The ground rules

Mantras for slow, imperfect change

We can spend a million years learning about mental health, but until we really put our knowledge into practice, nothing is truly going to change. I’m an absolute star at reading self help books and listening to podcasts, and I don’t shy away from going to therapy either. But truly implementing change? That shit is hard! However, also necessary. Because the longer I sit around taking in more information and recounting said information as (usually unsolicited) advice to my loved ones, the less I like myself.

So, the point of this series is to roll up our sleeves and get to work. This newsletter is not going to be endless lists of tips for you to follow, but a real life experiment in applying that advice myself and letting you know how it goes. With a standing invitation for you to join me, ofcourse.

I do love a good list though, so let’s start with some ground rules.

Rule #1 - Lower the bar

If you’re anything like me, starting a project like this will quickly become very ambitious, introducing thoughts like “I’m going to change my whole life” or “I’m finally going to be THAT GIRL” (i.e. always put together, always in a good mood, always achieving goals, etc. etc.). The list of things to do now becomes so long and difficult that the entire project feels like climbing mount everest without any training whatsoever. Soon enough, you either get lost, get injured, or more likely, simply lose motivation. So, we’re not doing that. We keep it simple and doable. We’re not trying to change our whole life TODAY. We’re simply trying to do a little better than we were yesterday. Slow and steady wins the race.

Rule #2 - Progress over perfection

We don’t hate on ourselves or each other for half assing our goals, because half an ass is still better than no ass. We celebrate our wins, and we thank ourselves for sticking to the agreement. Our goal was going to the gym twice a week but now it’s sunday and the gyms close in an hour and you’ve only gone once? Don’t write it off as a loss. Get yourself over there and do 15 minutes on the treadmill. There you go, you’ve gone twice. Something is better than nothing. And the more often you do those 15 minutes, the more your appetite for more will grow. Trust the process, celebrate the win. No party poopers please.

Rule #3 - Embody the process, not the goal

Progress over perfection also means that we focus our vision on the progress, or the process, rather than the perfect image we strive to achieve. Your dream is to write a book? Don’t imagine the book, imagine the writing. An author might have a book, but they are a writer. Your dream is to start a business? Don’t make a vision board of successful entrepreneurs, make a vision board of what entrepreneurship ideally looks like to you. Your dream is to be healthier? Imagine the lifestyle, the vegetables, the exercise, the early bedtime, not the superfit body you may or may not have at the end (because when is the end even?). Embody the process, not the goal. This rule especially applies to lifestyle changes that we hope stay with us for the long term.

Rule #4 - We don’t overthink things

Less thinking, more doing. It’s great to have a very concrete vision of where you want to go, but it’s also okay if you don’t have such a vision. The most important part is to just start.

Rule #5 - We believe that change is possible

This is the part that I still struggle with. Often, when I make myself do little things like making my bed every morning (because that’s what highly successful people do, right?), I can have difficulty believing that it will really make a difference in life. And ofcourse, making my bed is not going to magically make me successful. But in order for this project to work, I do have to believe that all of my efforts combined, will lead to a better life. Again, trust the process. Without belief, it’s hard to stay motivated. We have to believe that a better version of our lives is possible.

For me, these five are it. There are a thousand more things to pay attention to, but rather than writing an entire book filled with advice before we act, we’re going to hold on to rule #4 and simply start. All the other advice will be tried and tested along the way. We don’t need to perfect plan (rule #2) and we don’t want a huge overwhelming project (rule #1). We trust that everything will develop as it needs to once we are on a roll (rule #5), and we trust our own ability to change course where needed.

Next week, I’ll talk you through the 7 week project I put together for myself to get out of my rut and put these ground rules to the test. Join me by subscribing below.

In the meantime, please let me know what your ground rules would be! Write your thoughts in the comments and let’s chat 🗣️

Love,

Hadewych